A bit on the side: unlocking the love stories of gay men

Abstract

A variety of stereotypes of gay men persist, among them, that fulfilling, intimate partner relationships are at best, uncommon, or at worst not feasible because of the highly-sexualised nature of relations between gay men. Research concerning intimacy among gay men has largely focused on broader public health concerns or notions of attachment to, or withdrawal from, a homogenous gay community. Love has rarely featured as an important part of this whole story. In fact, love stories themselves, as a way of exploring broader sociological concerns, have been largely ignored. This thesis attends to the love stories of gay men as a way of examining how intimate partner relationships in many ways inform us in theoretical debates about sexuality, identity and belonging. Data collected over ten years from repeat interviews with ten gay men reveal various elements of their love stories - the changing forms of these stories (Plummer, 1995), both for the participants and society more broadly, a key feature. Participants spoke of how dangerous emotionally the ‘scene’ can be and of the importance of a plurality of understanding of intimacy and of their feelings of what their relationships must be in order for them to feel that they match their needs. The theoretical backdrop includes an examination of Susan Sontag’s (1989) look at love in a time of AIDS, the concept of the ‘pure relationship’ (Giddens, 1991; 1992), critiques of this concept (Jamieson, 1999), narratives around individualisation and love (Beck & Beck-Gernsheim, 1995) and the use of fictional texts to illuminate the highly-desired, yet often foregone, feeling of love (Evans, 2003). The connection between these sociological debates and the narratives of the participants was aided by the use of a stimulus text, Holding the Man (Conigrave, 1995), an Australian autobiography to which many gay men, not only Australian, may relate. The stimulus text opened up connections between the broader sociological narratives, narratives around individualisation, love, trust, faithfulness and commitment and the narratives of the participants. The love stories of the participants featured prominently, not in the stereotypically-depicted way, in how they made sense of society, impelled by feelings of trust and commitment.