Intimate theory: mononormativity, negotiated non-monogamy and the politics of love

Abstract

Increasingly described as a legislative inevitability in Australia, gay marriage is often heralded as the certain, if temporarily stalled, triumph of love and an overdue public symbol of the tolerance of sexual diversity. In this context it is worth renewing queer questions about the limits of legitimate intimacy in contemporary Western cultures – limits which may not be challenged by granting same-sex couples state recognition. Instead of adding another voice to debates about the potential consequences of same-sex marriage, this thesis approaches the contemporary politics of love from the perspective of those who do not march two by two, asking what we might learn from practices of negotiated non-monogamy. Analysing TV series, blogs, self-help books and first-person accounts alongside 23 qualitative interviews conducted with queer non-monogamists in and around Sydney, the thesis explores the way sex, love, friendship, emotion, and intimacy are currently theorised in relation to non-dyadic relationships. Friends who fuck, fictional polygamists, ‘ethical sluts’, swingers, and polyamorists are considered side by side in order to draw out the tensions (productive and otherwise) that animate stories of sex and love beyond the couple. The thesis considers non-monogamous scheduling strategies, taxonomic skirmishes, measures of significance and theories of jealousy in relation to queer and feminist thinking on intimacy. Idiosyncrasies and unexpected resonances within the material are used to map the political valencies of discourses surrounding these marginalised relationship styles, contributing to scholarship on how contemporary negotiated non-monogamy can be understood - an active concern as queers are increasingly encouraged to dream of wedding whites. Offering an extended conceptualisation of mononormativity - one entwined with but ultimately distinct from heteronormativity - the thesis also addresses broader patterns, ideals and institutions of intimacy, arguing that more people stand to benefit from the decentring of monogamy than those who actively pursue a life outside it.